Sleepwalking

At the start of the semester, I decided to pack in as much non-studying related fun as I could, often spending my nights watching some obscure TV show, or playing Cooking Mama. Since the work load in the first couple of weeks is relatively light, I got by doing minimal work, and maximizing my free time during the day so my work load was manageable and not I-take-three-science-classes scary. However, it's all coming back to bite me in the ass. Karma, I suppose. This week may be one of the worst weeks ever, and it's only Tuesday. The amount of things that I had to do kept piling up, and after taking inventory, deep breathing was necessary to not have a complete break down. Full blown stress hit me hard and fast, to the point where it's hard to think. And yet, I almost have no motivation to do any of it. It's all things that I don't want to do, or are too intimidating to think about. I have 11 applications to complete in less than a week. I have two exams on the same day, along with a "creative" biology lab presentation, followed by two physics labs and an orgo lab report due the next day. I have more applications than I have fingers, and less sleep than I have toes. Every little thing becomes blown out of proportion and "fuck" is a common word in my daily vocabulary, as evidenced by swearing profusely at messed up fly eyes for two hours. It's overwhelming. I just want to curl up against a warm body and let the outside world disappear for just a bit. In those moments, everything is okay, and there are strong arms to protect me. But sometimes, this crappy messed up world invades and destroys that too. I need to toughen up and take on the obstacles face to face. I'm not going down without a fight.

Come On Eileen

Just chilling back at home after going to a pretty standard, non exciting Asian Christmas Party. It was the typical loud parents yelling and laughing in the living room, making plans for the next Asian Invasion summer trip to somewhere exotic and fun while the "kids" sat in the family room mostly bored out of their minds, chomping away at the plethora of food surrounding them. We paroosed YouTube, played cards, watched random TV shows, put up with parents' inquiries as to our studies and future plans, crowded around the one laptop someone smartly brought along, drank some (very) lightly alcoholic punch, and generally chit-chatted. Typical, boring, but filling. And thus begins the three day Asian Christmas Party delight. Somehow, Asians decided that Christmas is really about having large parties where it is much more fun for the parents than the kids and standard Chinese fare is served, but in festive snowman platters so it's holiday friendly. Sigh. In other news, I think I actually did fairly well this semester grades wise, so thank you Brandeis for that great Christmas present as grades are posted Christmas Eve.

Rules & Regulations

Mer. Oh the tired, stressed, finals induced insanity I have acquired. My productivity is at an all time low, when I really need to focus and study the shit out of everything so I can tip those borderline grades in my favor. I haven't blogged in a while, and that's mostly due to the large amount of studying (or rather the large amount of procrastinating) I've done over the past couple of days. I thought I would have PLENTY of time to study for my exams as I've had an entire week since classes ended, but looking back, I've squandered most of my precious study days. Realizing that, I've been staying up until 5 am trying to cram in all the missed studying, causing me to wake up at 1 in the afternoon the following day, thus shortening my day and causing the cycle to repeat. I've lost the ability to think of anything witty, interesting, or of that nature to write about. All I can think about is the amount of work I have to do and the fact that there is still a surprising amount of people in the library at 5 am. My stress level has gotten to the point where almost everyone is annoying the hell out of me, but I remain calm in other aspects of life. Odd.

Accomplished:
- 4 chapters of biology reading = 11 hours
- 8 pages of bullshit for biomedical ethics final = 7.5 hours

Incomplete:
- making bio flash cards
- reviewing all of the biology notes from the semester
- actually understanding 5 chapters of physics
- making an orgo review sheet
- taking orgo practice exams and reviewing

At least I have the Great Caesar online concert to look forward to tomorrow night...rather tonight.

Fidelity

The most frustrating problems are those that you know exist, but have absolutely no way of solving them. Most notably, the way my brain is wired. There are things that happen, and I know they happen because of the way I see a certain thing, and the only problem with the situation is purely how I look at it. And I see that it's my perspective that's just fucking shit up, but I have absolutely no power to change it. Because that's the way I think, and have been thinking for my entire life. I can rant about it all I want to my friends, ponder it endlessly night after night, and write about every thought that crosses my mind but in reality none of that will change anything. I recognize what is wrong, but I don't know how to fix it. And it frustrates the hell out of me. How can you just completely change the way you think, or what you care about, or what affects you? It's as much an integral part of me as the black hair on my head or my hatred for chocolate milk. I'm headed down a path of no return with no way out. Am I just destined to be stuck in this pattern forever? It's always the same. I suppose history repeats itself, right?

Up & Down I Go

Why oh why...

....is studying for biology taking so damn long?

....has it suddenly got so cold? Hello November.
....did I ever decide to take three simultaneous science classes with the associated labs?
....is academic orgo lab so stressful yet such a joke? Hate hate hate.
....can't I just study in my own goddamn room?
....has sleeping at 3 am become the norm? Going to bed at 4:30am last night didn't even seem so extreme.
....have I lost my ability to concentrate?

....has everything in my mind just gone to shit lately?

....couldn't there be a single Jewish holiday in October or November? I need a break.
....have I become so distant from my suite? Well, more like when?
....have I been studying for three days straight with barely any breaks with another two days to go?
....was Thursday bio lab next semester already full? I don't want Tuesday lab.
....have I never before discovered the wonders of office hours?
....do I get paranoid about things I don't think I should be, but then become paranoid as to whether I should be or not?
....does everything little thing have such an effect on me?

....does my mind become completely consumed and attached every time? There are priorities, Em. Please get them straight.

....is it only Tuesday?
....?

Seven Wicked Reels

I've completely lost the ability to focus on my physics lab. Or anything for that matter, as I just completely spaced out, and then tried to see if Einstein's was giving out free bagels because there are a shit load of people walking around with bagels and the smell is making me hungry. This week is supposed to be freebie week, and I really don't have as much work as usual, but I still have 2 labs and a lot of reading to do which I really do not want to do at this time of night, but I want to do them even less during the week. This is supposed to be my free week where I can just relax and not worry about work. I've worked my ass off today to try to make that happen. I took the weekend off, doing basically no work whatsoever, a well deserved break, though I was planning on doing work on Sunday, but certain events made that impossible. I think I did get some chunk of work done, but it wasn't nearly enough. I've spent a total of an hour in my suite today since 9am. All today has been is literally class, library, class, SSC to study, class, dinner, Einstein's to do work. Until now. And it really frustrates me that I've essentially only crossed one thing off my to do list. With the amount of time that I've dedicated to work today, I should be fucking finished. I hate lab reports. I am not leaving this building until I get what I want done. It won't be as much as I would have liked, but hopefully it will set me up for a light work load the rest of the week. Too much work.

Bottoms Up

Waking up completely stressed out is one of the worst feelings in the world. I was suddenly jerked awake into a world where everything was already wrong the second I looked at my phone and it told me it was 12:20pm. Fuck. I had slept through every single one of my morning classes, including a class I haven't been to in a week (sleeping through my alarm is becoming common, it seems), a class I have no idea what the professor is rapidly spouting in her German accent as she circles random things with the mouse on her slides, and a class wholly dedicated to reviewing for an extremely important and difficult exam the next day. On top of that, I was in desperate need of a shower, had an appointment across campus at 2pm, and needed to do some last minute cramming for an exam in the afternoon. Everything was just so overwhelming and I was so angry at myself for yet again sleeping through my classes (I didn't even go to bed THAT late...only 3:30am). Stressed out panicking soon ensued. I banged my way around the suite, slamming the microwave shut and generally running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. I didn't even look at my suitemates and snapped at my boyfriend. Needless to say it was not a good morning. The thing is, the only person/thing I was mad at, and had a right to be, was myself. I really cannot keep doing this. To prevent this from happening again, I've taken some precautions, namely going to bed at a slightly more decent time, setting both a phone alarm and actually using my alarm clock, and giving my roommate permission to push me out of bed if I don't wake up unless specifically told not to do so. We'll see how things go.

Parliament Funkadelic

Currently sitting in the SCC with sleep in my eyes staring at the person sitting across from me at the computer bay, trying to figure out how old she is. It's really a little sketchy. She's an Asian diligently working (doesn't even notice me creepily staring at her) with glasses and she looks old. Which is odd. Because stereotypically, most Asian women look younger than their years. My mother tells me I could pass as a 16 year-old. I do not doubt that I will be carded when I turn 21. So if she looks old, then how old is she really? Really old? But she's here in the SCC working....she must be a college or graduate student. Confusion. Really a very good distraction from the physics lab I have been half working on for the past three hours. Overuse of the word "really."Mostly because I'm really happy :)

The day started out with the entire suite sleeping through physics class (quite literally, none of us made it out of bed), followed by boring classes, a quick nap and Sun Chips for lunch before orgo lab which was basically torturous. I think my entire bay has agreed that we despise our TA. She really doesn't do anything, does not offer any help, moves very slowly, and then criticizes how slowly we work and kick us out of lab at 5:30, whether you have finished your lab or not. Which really irks me. Because consistently, our entire bay has been getting out later than the rest of the lab. Literally the entire bay. It cannot be that they grouped 10 slow working people in one lab, yet she insists that it is our fault that we stay later than the other bays. Um no honey, I think it would be you and your late, uninformative, ineffective prelab talks and inability to properly prepare us for the lab at hand.

Then I decided to take a nap at 7:00 for a half hour. Probably one of the worst decisions of my life. When I woke up, I was probably the saddest, most depressed person on campus. For some reason, I just felt absolutely terrible and then proceeded to cry my eyes out for a good 10 minutes at my desk. It was so confusing and frustrated because I had absolutely no idea why I felt the way I did. Crying for a reason is okay. Crying without a reason is not. I eventually pulled myself together and headed to the SCC where all the happy people would cheer me up and I wouldn't be able to cry in front of all of them. After grabbing a hot chai (so good!) I met up with S and saw D for a bit, which cheered me up a bit. And now after a good talk, I'm feeling better than ever. It's odd how quickly one's emotions can change. I've experienced the highest of highs, and lowest of lows today in the course of a couple of hours.

Haven't Met You Yet

Urgh, I feel like a drugged up hamster stuck in a tiny cage with no running wheel to get all this pent up energy out. Except instead of being a drugged up hamster, I'm a stressed out chemistry student with a weekend's worth of work to do in two what should be fun filled days since there are no classes. And instead of being in a tiny cage, I'm stuck in some library or another slaving away at some lab or another while people are watching movies, getting drunk, or just hanging out without a care in the world. Fuck them. So, instead of using this hour before my Just Social meeting, which is unofficially canceled since it's just a party of two again, I'm on Facebook chatting, talking in the SCC, louging around doing nothing. It's my sort of mini rebellion. The amount of work that I have really frustrates me. I've already spent 12 hours this week in the library and have 15 hours in the library tentatively blocked in my schedule for the rest of the week. Which brings the grand total 27 hours in the library this week. And I have a day off. That does not look, sound, or hear right. See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. The only thing I have to look forward to is a hopefully homework free weekend. BUT instead of doing fun things, I'll be at a two day activist training camp during the day, with nothing to do at night. Isn't that just fucking peachy.

Train Under Water

The last 48 hours of my life:

5 hours of fun in Boston with some old friends. 6 hours of unusual partying. 6 hours of "sleep." 3 hours of actual sleep. 1 hour of debriefing over pancakes. 2 hours of procrastination. 3 hours of actually doing work. 1 hour of looking at food. 3 hours of half doing work. 1 hour of guiltily actually doing work. 3 hours of sleep. 1 hour of angrily cursing the rising sun. 2 hours of work. 3 hours of class. 2 hours of sleep. 1 hour of class. 2 hours of socializing and eating. Now, hopefully 5 hours of uninterrupted work. Like that will ever actually happen.


Fun things I have to look forward to this week:

9 hours of organic, biology and physics lab
9 hours of work back in the chem lab
0 hours of group meeting
3 hours of being yelled at by an angry judgmental philosophy professor
1.5 hours of what should be relaxing but is actually stressful yoga

Pitter-Pat

My life has been fairly uneventful as of late. I was recently reunited with my wallet after having forgotten it at home, which was a big plus. The stacks and stacks of reading and labs I have to do are not. The amount of homework that I have to do is so intimidating that I mostly just push it all away and watch a couple of episodes of Bones. It's difficult to figure out where I should start., so instead of trying to figure it out, I don't. No, but in all seriousness, I do have a schedule set up - if I will follow it is yet to be seen. My drive to work always seems to be canceled out by my need to nap. I almost fell asleep in every single class today. Now after lunch, I have hours and hours of free time I should be devoting to being hunched over all things science in the library, but instead I'm writing an uninteresting blog post and eyeing my oh so comfy bed. In my procrastination, the roomie and I found this:

Moral of the story? A chemistry degree gets you absolutely no where, and anesthesiology is definitely the way to go.