Secrets

Hello Halloween.

Friday

Major outfit revamp. It's going to be an intense night out. No costumes tonight, just skirts and heels. Experimentation with peppermint and chocolate syrup. Squirt, shot, squirt. Stressing. Waiting.

"Are you one of those pretty girls who hates on herself? Because they're so annoying"

Pointless party searching that resulted in awkward parties and entirely too much walking in heels. But there was still smiling, laughing, dancing and the occasional kissing. Mental state: buzzed.

Back to a familiar place with unfamiliar people. The smell of whiskey/bourbon makes me want to vomit. Another drink down the hatch. Retreat. Ride the wave. Then he passes out. Draw back. Draw. Unibrow? Avoid attack. Markers. Cups. Water. Limeade. Retaliation. Wet suite. Mental state: giddy from exhaustion.

Girl talk with a guy. The set up. Walk back. Gum adventures lead to cold feet. Not figuratively, literally. Some water, some gum, a tousle of the hair and he's sent on his merry way. Now, sleep. 4:50 am - hello? so sorry. lets talk later. Waking up results in nausea, restlessness. Eventually, sleep. 11:20 am - hello? so sorry. urgh please, lets talk later. Can't fall back asleep. Out to the common room to make a phone call. Sketchy tour group waves at the suitemates and I through the common room windows. Please, no. Call. Talk. Whatever. Reassurance.


Saturday

Stress. Too much work, not enough time. Breakfast with the suitemates. Food, decent to urgh. Halloween plans - really? Thanks a fucking lot. Corkscrew - obtained. Wine bottle - opened. Off to the library where I have to simultaneously entertain, study, explain, and vent. No halloween costume. No task complete. No motivation.

"Fuck this shit show of a day" 

Hell to all of this. Last minute costume set up. Escapee. Creative. Original. Rush off with nothing but a Nature Valley bar sitting in my stomach. Watch it. Drinks made, aiming down a sight lesson taught, light bulb hit, costumes prepared, and we're off. Here we go. First, Village mojitos. Cozy setting and a warm reception to Dave and Dave. Then, to the real party. Awkward entrance. Lots of standing around casually, then awkwardly. Mental state: lightly buzzed to sober. No good.

As more people file in, Dave and Dave get exponentially excited and cannot wait to show off. Never stop dancing. Dave sandwich. Pictures. Beer. Beer pong. Lots of laughing, kind of a lot of having fun. Ridiculous. Goodbye, Ziv. Dancing around campus. Renfield dorm storm. What posters? Rosie dorm storm makes for an awkward morning with the suitemates. Bumping into people on the trek back. Dancing around everyone and everything that passed by. Failed poster rip. Blood. Really, let's head home.

Get out of your costume, now. Shirt, soaked. Pants, soaked. Water, now. Halloweiner. Nerf gun wars. Lost dart. Ah well. They smoke. I don't. Interesting conversation out in the common room. Grumpy bf.

"It's very much an enigma wrapped in a riddle shrouded in mystery"

Amazingly good mozzarella sticks before calling it a night. Snuggle, sleep. Wake up. No really, wake up. Food prepared by a cutie. Falling asleep. Back to the room, pass out. Time to study. Upset stomach, tired body and tired mind, shit load of work. Fuck. Happy Halloween.

Finally Moving

Sometimes I hate the English language. One prime example is the lack of words to describe one's emotions for another person if it's at the point where saying "I really like you" is lame and doesn't convey enough, but it hasn't reached the pivotal "I love you" stage. Because "I love you" really carries a lot of weight with it, a lot of connotations and expectations that have over time become associated with those three little words. It's a scary prospect. And "like" is just too mild and tame. It's like saying, I like mac and cheese. Liking someone can span anywhere from "oh, he/she is okay, I like him/her" to "I think I may really like him/her" to "I really like you." But that's not where I'm at. I'm stuck in language limbo trying to find words or a phrase that captures how I feel - in that in between. I'm way past liking, but not yet loving. Honestly, love scares me. I'm not ready to say that just yet. But "I really like you?" C'mon. The best thing I could think of is "I'm falling in love with you" but it still has that scary love connotation. And, me being one of the most awkward people ever when it comes to talking about emotions, it's difficult to find the right situation and time, and even if there was a perfect moment, everything inside me would seize up and I'd just keep my mouth shut. So thanks a bunch, English language, for making me more awkward than I already am.

Seven Wicked Reels

I've completely lost the ability to focus on my physics lab. Or anything for that matter, as I just completely spaced out, and then tried to see if Einstein's was giving out free bagels because there are a shit load of people walking around with bagels and the smell is making me hungry. This week is supposed to be freebie week, and I really don't have as much work as usual, but I still have 2 labs and a lot of reading to do which I really do not want to do at this time of night, but I want to do them even less during the week. This is supposed to be my free week where I can just relax and not worry about work. I've worked my ass off today to try to make that happen. I took the weekend off, doing basically no work whatsoever, a well deserved break, though I was planning on doing work on Sunday, but certain events made that impossible. I think I did get some chunk of work done, but it wasn't nearly enough. I've spent a total of an hour in my suite today since 9am. All today has been is literally class, library, class, SSC to study, class, dinner, Einstein's to do work. Until now. And it really frustrates me that I've essentially only crossed one thing off my to do list. With the amount of time that I've dedicated to work today, I should be fucking finished. I hate lab reports. I am not leaving this building until I get what I want done. It won't be as much as I would have liked, but hopefully it will set me up for a light work load the rest of the week. Too much work.

The Forecast

It's surprising how quickly coffee cools. Small coffee from Einstein's obtained at 8:30pm. Small coffee from Einstein's is ice cold at 10:30pm. I guess two hours is a little too much to ask for a little paper cup of coffee to stay nice and warm. But it's cold here and I wish I had some yummy hot coffee to warm me up! Tonight is hell night, the night I have to finish a take-home midterm for tomorrow as well as study for an inevitably ridiculous biology lab exam in the morning. After a week full of intense late nights full of studying for two other exams, last minute orgo labs, and trying to get ahead of the large pile of work that is threatening to drown me so I can properly enjoy freebie week, I am exhausted! My brain is exhausted, my body is exhausted, everything is just. so. damn. tired. Work and studying are two things I physically cannot do at the moment. And it really isn't the best time for that. Exam. Essay. Complications. Death. But I must persevere. Fight through the pain. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, right? Though I don't doubt that this monster of a physics book sitting next to me could do some serious damage. I'm a nut in a rut. Doing scut. Under a hut. Sitting on my butt. Got a paper cut. Ouch. Okay, I'm stopping.

Looking at my to do lists week after week has finally hit the concept of taking 3 science classes with the associated labs home in my head. The amount of work I have each week is daunting, and I can never get ahead. If anything, I'm always scrambling at the last minute to get things done. Sometimes it's because I decide to procrastinate instead of work, but other times it's simply because I have so much work. Everyone has always looked at me as if I'm insane when I tell them what classes I'm taking, but I've always shrugged it off and claim it really isn't that bad. Because for the longest time, I thought it wasn't. It was just work, and in the beginning of the year I could be on top of things with just a few choice late nights in the library. But now in October, the holiday-less month, things are really hitting me. I've worked my ass off for these exams this week, as well as to get ahead with work so I can genuinely enjoy my exam-less week without worrying about work, and still I feel like I'm behind. I'm in desperate need of a break. I cannot wait for 1:30pm tomorrow to come around. 1:30 is freedom from this sick cycle of nonstop, ridiculous, annoying, stressful, work work work!

Bottoms Up

Waking up completely stressed out is one of the worst feelings in the world. I was suddenly jerked awake into a world where everything was already wrong the second I looked at my phone and it told me it was 12:20pm. Fuck. I had slept through every single one of my morning classes, including a class I haven't been to in a week (sleeping through my alarm is becoming common, it seems), a class I have no idea what the professor is rapidly spouting in her German accent as she circles random things with the mouse on her slides, and a class wholly dedicated to reviewing for an extremely important and difficult exam the next day. On top of that, I was in desperate need of a shower, had an appointment across campus at 2pm, and needed to do some last minute cramming for an exam in the afternoon. Everything was just so overwhelming and I was so angry at myself for yet again sleeping through my classes (I didn't even go to bed THAT late...only 3:30am). Stressed out panicking soon ensued. I banged my way around the suite, slamming the microwave shut and generally running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. I didn't even look at my suitemates and snapped at my boyfriend. Needless to say it was not a good morning. The thing is, the only person/thing I was mad at, and had a right to be, was myself. I really cannot keep doing this. To prevent this from happening again, I've taken some precautions, namely going to bed at a slightly more decent time, setting both a phone alarm and actually using my alarm clock, and giving my roommate permission to push me out of bed if I don't wake up unless specifically told not to do so. We'll see how things go.

Straightjacket Feeling

The Unhealthiest 48 Hours of My Life:

Friday 2:00pm: veggie burger patty, rice, salmon and a salad (I really did try to be healthy this weekend...)

Friday 11:30pm: two rounds of fried dough with cinnamon and powdered sugar, two Jolly Ranchers, and a shit load of m&m's and reese's pieces

Saturday 2:00am: root beer float, waffle fries and a cinnamon bun

Saturday 3:00pm - 9:00pm: one small vanilla hazelnut coffee from Einstein's, a Jolly Rancher, a mint, and a toffee

Saturday 11:45pm: small oven roasted turkey and cheddar on italian herb, a bag of chips, small root beer

Sunday 1:30 pm: crab rangoon, scallion pancakes (SO MANY SCALLION PANCAKES), dumplings, chicken wings

Racing Lights

Notes to self:

1. Never go down a spiral slide with two people
2. On really clear days, you can see the exhaust tails from all four engines of an airplane - it's actually quite beautiful
3. Flat tiring someone is something you just have to do yourself
4. Anna's Taqueria is mindblowingly good
5. I'm dating a dog junkie
6. Your organs actually sit on top of each other - weird.
7. Carl and Ruth like art too
8. I believe in fate now more than ever
9. Smiles have sounds
10. Stop thinking about the past, it's fucking shit up
11. Please be more verbal, thanks
12. I've unexpectedly found something wonderful
13. In a perfect world, I would never stop kissing you
14. Stop daydreaming. Focus.

Tightrope

It seems as though as the night wears on, the library gets progressively louder. It's an interesting phenomenon. Is it because there are more late night studiers coming in to get some work done? Do people just stop caring at this time and say "fuck it"? Are the people who come to the library at this time of night just insane? I'm really not sure. It's just a terrible environment for my half working brain to be in to get some work done - i.e. this physics lab that I have been constantly putting off. I'm tempted to move on to some other work, so I can actually be productive, but then I know I will just push this lab off to another day, and I can't afford to do that. Then again, I can't afford to sit here blogging away my annoyance at these loud library people. I'd rather not blow out my ear drums trying to drown then out with my study music. I would just kindly appreciate it if they all just shut up. It's a goddamn library. Thanks.

Parliament Funkadelic

Currently sitting in the SCC with sleep in my eyes staring at the person sitting across from me at the computer bay, trying to figure out how old she is. It's really a little sketchy. She's an Asian diligently working (doesn't even notice me creepily staring at her) with glasses and she looks old. Which is odd. Because stereotypically, most Asian women look younger than their years. My mother tells me I could pass as a 16 year-old. I do not doubt that I will be carded when I turn 21. So if she looks old, then how old is she really? Really old? But she's here in the SCC working....she must be a college or graduate student. Confusion. Really a very good distraction from the physics lab I have been half working on for the past three hours. Overuse of the word "really."Mostly because I'm really happy :)

The day started out with the entire suite sleeping through physics class (quite literally, none of us made it out of bed), followed by boring classes, a quick nap and Sun Chips for lunch before orgo lab which was basically torturous. I think my entire bay has agreed that we despise our TA. She really doesn't do anything, does not offer any help, moves very slowly, and then criticizes how slowly we work and kick us out of lab at 5:30, whether you have finished your lab or not. Which really irks me. Because consistently, our entire bay has been getting out later than the rest of the lab. Literally the entire bay. It cannot be that they grouped 10 slow working people in one lab, yet she insists that it is our fault that we stay later than the other bays. Um no honey, I think it would be you and your late, uninformative, ineffective prelab talks and inability to properly prepare us for the lab at hand.

Then I decided to take a nap at 7:00 for a half hour. Probably one of the worst decisions of my life. When I woke up, I was probably the saddest, most depressed person on campus. For some reason, I just felt absolutely terrible and then proceeded to cry my eyes out for a good 10 minutes at my desk. It was so confusing and frustrated because I had absolutely no idea why I felt the way I did. Crying for a reason is okay. Crying without a reason is not. I eventually pulled myself together and headed to the SCC where all the happy people would cheer me up and I wouldn't be able to cry in front of all of them. After grabbing a hot chai (so good!) I met up with S and saw D for a bit, which cheered me up a bit. And now after a good talk, I'm feeling better than ever. It's odd how quickly one's emotions can change. I've experienced the highest of highs, and lowest of lows today in the course of a couple of hours.

The Only Exception

Highlights of the week:

- Ok Go concert
- flat tiring
- Ballerinas
- skype fun
- hiding in the suite
- snow white and the 7 dwarfs
- hip hop
- beast cookie
- castle roof
- the hills
- dance party
- late night photoshop fun
- GET SOME